The Ugly Men List –I Must Be On It

Last week the website, Total Beauty came out with a list of the 8 cities in America with the Ugliest Men. It just so happens, I live in one of the cities and like all the other men in the cities on the list, I took a little bit of offense.

I decided to take a look at the website that condemned me to a life of “uglytude” and I’m not impressed with them either. Total Beauty says it has an audience of 12 million women and apparently the website thinks all of its readers need vast amounts of improvements. The site is not much more than pages of beauty cream ads, shampoo ads, and age defying cream ads interspersed with videos with titles like “How To Properly Pop A Pimple”.

But before you think I’m just filled with sour grapes, the Ugly Men List was supposedly compiled using criteria that included more than superficial looks. The Ugly Men were ranked using obesity statistics, education levels, smoking, and dental statistics(bad teeth are ugly) as well as gym memberships. (Ugly men rarely work out)

If I had stayed in my original hometown in Mississippi, I would not have made the list, but I just had to up and move to the Number 5 Ugliest Man City in the Nation. I think that’s unfair to my new hometown, they might not have made the list, except that they must have “bussed” in some ugly men along with me.

In case, you didn’t see the article, here’s Total Beauty’s List and what they said about my city of Mobile, Alabama. I also included a few other quotes about two other cities on the list.

8. Houston Texas
7. Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
6. Detroit, Michigan
5. Mobile, Alabama and Huntington, West Virginia (tie)

The men of Mobile and Huntington have it all — terrible teeth, according to (a) worst-teeth cities list, a high rate of unhealthy, inactive and obese men and a paltry number of gyms.

4. Greensboro, North Carolina
3. Miami, Florida

You’re thinking, ‘Seriously? Miami?’ And we’re saying: yup. If for no other reason than a whopping 21 percent of men 25 and up didn’t make it past 9th grade, the highest rate in the cities we studied. Oh, and did we mention gnarly teeth? And believe it or not, more than 27 percent of Miamians don’t exercise regularly. Sure, they’re not the fattest or unhealthiest in the country, but given the year-round gorgeous weather and huge number of gyms, you’d think these guys would be a little less-lazy.

2. Hagerstown, Md.

Less than 10 percent of the men in Hub City hold a bachelor’s degree. They’re not spending their spare time in gyms, either — nearly 30 percent don’t exercise regularly, 30 percent are obese, and an off-the-charts number of Hagerstownians smoke, compared to the rest of the country.

(Sorry Hagerstown…I once visited your city, too. I was smoking a cigarette when I visited. I guess my “ugly” got all over you, too.)

1. El Paso, Texas

We’re not looking for Stephen Hawking level brain-age — just a good, solid education. But nearly 15 percent of the dudes in this Lone Star city have less than a 9th grade education. The city also suffers from a notably high rate of obesity, 32 percent are in below average health and 30 percent do not exercise regularly, which is probably why there are so few gyms in town. There is such a thing as too much Tex-Mex.

But, I won’t despair much about the Ugly Men List, because just last week I was complimented by a much younger woman who told me, “You are a pretty man”. I was at first concerned by the word, “pretty”, but she assured me she was definitely complimenting me. Another woman also told me that I had “beautiful eyes”. So, my ego is not too shattered by living in a city labeled for having ugly male residents. On the other hand; I smoke, I don’t have dental insurance and my teeth are not in great shape these days and I don’t have a gym membership. Maybe, I deservedly need to be on the list

About Dave Robison

Now Appearing in an Extended Engagement! Join Dave Robison as he takes you into his world and his daily life of reviving a stand-up comedy career. Prepare for side trips exploring Public Relations, marketing and business ethics. Enjoy some frequent detours describing his observations on life. Read the exploits of this self-proclaimed Renaissance-man and blooming blogger as you go On The Road With Dave. From Mobile, Alabama comes Dave Robison, a confessed Internet-aholic, middle-aged-married-man, who's generally a nice guy--he just has one or two issues. Stand-Up Comedy by Dave Robison is available for corporate events, college campuses, and nightclubs.
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