UPDATE: Originally published at Quixtar Blog in August of 2006. Re-inserted at “OTRWD” in November of 2015
Howdy Quixtar Blog readers! This is Dave Robison, your newest member of the Quixtar Blog writing team. Last week after I posted my second entry to The Qblog, I was granted exclusive access inside the massive Quixtar Blog Complex; with none other than Quixtar Blog founder himself, Eric Janssen.
I’ve been given permission to print what I witnessed; and I hope this gives readers an inside look into what goes into each entry that they read here at Quixtar Blog.
Once inside the gated complex, Janssen unlocks two tall steel doors and invites me in. As the doors swing slowly open, I’m met with a gust of cool conditioned air and I feel the goosebumps raise on my arms. I look down a massive marbled hallway with doors lining each side; and we begin our tour.
We walk not more than 20 feet when Janssen stops me in front of a white wooden door innocuously signed simply, “RESEARCH”.
I open the door to a large room. Inside are huge mainframe computers surround by a circle of desks occupied by slightly orange-skinned midgets working contently at laptop computers. I learn that the mainframe is also linked to a satellite in geo-synchronous orbit above Spaulding Plaza in Ada, Michigan.
“So this is how Janssen manages to stay one jump ahead of Quixtar’s Communications Department.” I thought. The midgets were reading screen after screen of information being fed off the mainframe. The mainframe, I could only imagine, must have been collecting data from the internet, and privately networked computers worldwide. It was most impressive, but I wondered about the midgets.
“Are they Oompa-Loompas?” I whispered.
“No,” Janssen replied, “They’re Q-loompas. A cousin; but genetically enhanced with mutated DeVos genes. They are much more focused, than their chocolate-making cousins…and they work for XS powerbars and Seismic Juice.”
“Fascinating,” I said. And we closed the door and continued down the hall, taking a left turn into a small alcove with one red door signed, “FORUM”
“This is where we collect all the thoughts and opinions of the Quixtar Blog Forum members and publish them to the Internet for all the world to read.”
“Can I open the door?”
“I’d rather you didn’t, you really aren’t ready to see what is happening in there.”
“Okay,” I said, “I’ll wait.”
Janssen then turned me around in the alcove and I faced another door.
“What’s inside here?” I asked. “There’s no sign on the door.”
Janssen slowly opened the door to another hallway.
“Where’s this go?” I asked.
Janssen spoke softly. “This hallway leads underground where there is a tunnel with rails and a powered railcar. The tunnel leads far away from the Qblog Complex.”
“Where does it go?” I asked.
“It ends underneath Orrin Woodward’s house.”
“Really, unbelievable! Does he know it’s there?”
Janssen uncharacteristically screamed, “IT’S A FRIKKEN TUNNEL UNDERNEATH WOODWARD’S HOUSE! OF COURSE HE DOESN’T KNOW IT’S THERE!”
He closed the door and we walked out of the alcove and back down one of the hallways. Along the hallway walls were framed reprints of past Quixtar Blog entries. I asked about the old Qblog Toons prints, but was told that the wall refused to let them hang. The nails holding the frames were constantly pushed out of the wall. No matter; we then stopped at another door signed “QBlog Farcical Help Desk“.
I had wondered about the Help Desk in recent weeks, because of it’s absence. I opened the door without waiting for Janssen’s consent and saw a simple white room with a desk and a two-line phone; unmanned.
Janssen explained, “Umm, we’ve been having technical difficulties of sorts, the call frequency is not what it should be.”
But, no sooner had he given the explanation, the phone rang.
“Sure go ahead,” he said.
“Help Desk…How may I help you?”
QUESTION: Yeah, Is this the Help Desk?”
ANSWER: Yes it is. Do you have a question?”
Q: Yeah, what are you wearing?
A: Jeans and a T-shirt, why?
Q: You got a nice voice.
A: Thank you.
Q: I bet you have “purty” teeth.
A: WHO THE HELL IS THIS!”
Janssen said, “That’s it, all we get lately is calls from QRUSH.
We left the Help Desk room and started down the hallway again. We turned a corner and Janssen stopped at another door, signed “REC AREA”. Janssen excitedly said,
“You just have to see this, Dave”
He opened the door with great fanfare. It was unbelievable. It was more than a room; it was more like a stadium; and I wondered how that could possible exist behind just one door, but there it was, anyway.
It was a large dirt racetrack with a grass infield and bleacher seats surrounding the track. I walked across the grass and looked onto the track.
I couldn’t believe my eyes. There were monkeys. Monkeys dressed as cowboys. And..and they were racing around the track riding goats. Janssen said, “Sometimes we just get tired of all the Quixtar stuff and we need to relax.”
“Monkeys on Goats?” I asked.
Janssen slapped me on the back, “Yeah baby, that’s how we roll here at the Qblog!”
Just then Janssen received a call on his cell phone. He excused himself to a nearby office and invited me to browse around.
I left the monkey track and walked on down the hallway and made a turn into a lobby area and saw a breakroom/lunchroom to my right. I saw a large refrigerator and decided to take a peek inside a-la MTV’s CRIBS. Would I find the traditional bottle of Cristal? I opened the door to the fridge to view row upon row of cold coffee-flavored drinks, a six pack of Red Bull and a half-drank can of XS. Also 3 one-gallon containers of lemonade. But, no Cristal.
I closed the door. Just then, my investigative instincts kicked in. Now was my chance to sneak back to the “FORUM” door and discover what was behind that mysterious red door. I ran back down the maze of hallways until I found the correct door.
In minutes, I stood in front of the door. I took a deep breath and opened it.
Inside, it was dark except the glow of a computer screen. Sitting in front of the computer was a dark figure in a cloak. The figure’s head was covered from behind by a hood. The figure’s head turned slightly towards me, but I couldn’t see the face clearly in the dimly lit room.
Suddenly, I felt a hand on my shoulder and was pulled back out of the room. It was Janssen and he didn’t look happy.
“I told you NOT to go in there!”
“I’m sorry, I couldn’t resist. Who is that person in there?”
Janssen said, “Okay, I’ll tell you. That’s PW.”
“PW!” I gasped. “Why does he look like that?”
Janssen sighed, “He’s been like that every since last week, when he read the comments to that Star Wars parody you wrote. He just sits there, staring at the screen and muttering to himself, “I AM the Emperor. I am THE Emperor”
“I’m sorry Eric, I had no idea.” I apologized.
Finally Quixtar Blog Founder Janssen said, “Okay, Dave; you’ve seen my complex, my rooms, my monkeys, and my fridge, it’s time now for you to go home.”
He led me back out the steel doors, and out to the gates.
“Now go home and write something, it’s almost Thursday!”
I watched the gates close slowly until I heard them click locked.
I thought; so that was the Quixtar Blog Complex, very impressive, but I still wasn’t too sure about the monkeys riding goats. Oh well, I just write for the guy.