Originally published at Quixtar Blog(now defunct) in August of 2006; on the occasion of my guest blogging at a site known to criticize a certain multi-level marketing company. Inserted on this blog’s timeline in July of 2015. Saved here for posterity.
Create your own Star Wars opening crawl.
Young Dave Blogwriter has fought valiantly against Lord Darth Janssen, but now clings desperately to a metal platform, a precipice keeping him from plunging to sure death.
Darth Janssen breathes heavily and speaks.
“Blogwriter, join me, you know that you must eventually blog for me. The Emperor knows this, he has foreseen it.
Dave replies, “I’ll never join you…you…wait a minute, why are you breathing so heavily?
“It’s my helmet, It supplies me with oxygen.”
Really? I can get you a portable Helios unit, you can wear around your waist.”
Darth Janssen asks, “Will I still have this cool voice?”
“Ummm no, you’ll be back to your old whiny voice.”
“Okay then, never mind, I’ll keep the helmet. Now, join me and write about The QUIXTAR with me and my empire.
Dave screams, “NOOOOOOO, I’ll never join you, I’m too busy. I have my own blog.
“But Dave, with me your power will grow, your blog will increase in traffic. Already, your power is great, but writing for me; it will surpass all.
“YOU CAN’T MAKE ME! YOU’RE NOT MY FATHER!”
Darth Janssen stands over Blogwriter, his expressionless mask staring through Young Dave Blogwriter. He stretches out his hand towards Dave and speaks softly.
“But Dave, I AM YOUR FATHER.”
Dave cries out, “NOOOO, NOOOO, THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE…Besides, I’m older than you.
Darth explains, “It’s simple really, I constructed a time machine and transported back in time to a distant galaxy in the year 1962 and met your mother and…and…
Dave stops Darth’s speech.
“Dude, that’s not only sick and twisted; it’s the wrong DAMN movie!”
Darth asks, “You don’t believe me?”
“No, why should I believe that story?”
Darth questions again.
“You believed in that ‘Diamond in 2-5 years” story, didn’t you?”
“Oh yeah, says Dave, “That’s a valid point.”
“So Young Blogwriter, will you join me and bring order to the QUIXTAR universe? I will allow you to write whatever you want. You may spread the word of The Force of your wisdom and the positive aspects of The QUIXTAR.”
Dave ponders the offer and looks over the edge of the metal platform peering deep into the abyss below.
“Ummm actually Darth, I’m really afraid of heights, and I don’t really want to fall.”
“Then reach out to me, and I will allow you to write at The Quixtar Blog”
Dave says, “Yeah, that sounds good, but I can’t reach out to you. You cut my hand off right before this scene started.”
“No, I didn’t, you got your hand tucked in your sleeve”
Dave looks at his arm, “Oh yeah, you’re right; there it is.”
Dave reaches towards Darth Janssen. Darth pulls him off the platform onto safe ground.
“So Darth,” asks Dave, “Can I write about anything I want?”
“Yes you can, just never call me Darth Janssen again”
“Okay, dude, no problem.
The two bloggers walk back towards the tower elevator door.
Darth stops, and says to Dave, “Dave Blogwriter, this will be the start of a great friendship”
“DUDE!, that’s the wrong movie, AGAIN!”
“Oh yes, you are right. Sorry.”