Okay, you know I live in Mobile, Alabama.
What is it like?
It’s like any other city, it has its good points and bad points.
But the area was completely summed up for me yesterday while I was driving around town and listening to Hot104-FM. (since 2012, WABD-FM)
There’s an idea for a new line of Barbie(R) toys coming out strictly for the Gulf Coast. After you read the descriptions I’m sure you can match our areas of Mobile, with similar areas in your own city.
Spring Hill Barbie:
This Barbie comes with choice of a BMW sports car or a Hummer H2. Included are personalized Carpe Diem mug, credit card rolodex, yellow lab named “Bo” and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. But you can’t afford them anyway.
This princess Barbie is only sold at Dillard’s on the Eastern Shore. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus, a long-haired foreign yappy dog named “Honey” and a cookie cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with “augmented” version.
Cottage Hill Barbie:
This trendy homemaker Barbie is available with your choice of Tahoe SUV or Ford Windstar minivan. She gets lost easily and has no full time occupation or secondary education. Traffic-jamming cell phone sold separately. Optional matching gym outfit.
This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Buck knife, a Chevy with tinted windows and her own Meth Lab kit. This model is available after dark and can be paid for only in cash. Preferably small, untraceable bills. Unless you’re a cop. Then we don’t know what you’re talking about.
Dauphin Island Parkway Barbie (DIP):
This model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR shirt, breast augmentation, and has a tattoo of a Tweety bird on her shoulder. She has big, stiff hair, a six-pack of Miller Lite and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and can kick Mullet-haired Kenny doll’s ass when she’s drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get its Confederate flag bumper stickers and your choice of “piss on Chevy” or “piss on Ford” decals absolutely free.
Point Clear Barbie:
This collagen injected, botox Barbie wears a leopard-print ski outfit and drinks Chardonnay while she entertains friends. Comes complete with Housekeeper Barbie, Hairdresser Barbie, Personal chef Ken, and Personal trainer Kenny. CEO/Dr. husband Ken available as well as Tennis Pro Ken.
Percocet prescription available.
Tillman’s Corner Barbie:
This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased her beer-gutted boyfriend out of D-I-P Barbie’s house. Her make-up is dark red lip liner with your choice of lips covered in a sparkly pink or no fill-in at all. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans with assorted colored G-strings that stick out the back and a white see-through halter-top. Accessories include: CD-player equipped with Bon Jovi and a rusty old Ford pick up with an “Earnhardt #3” on the rear window.
This Barbie is the same model of Barbie that was released in 1882. She comes with shoulder pads, maxi-length tartan plaid skirt with big pin, white pantyhose and a bad up-do haircut. Historical Society plaque and Washington Square deer also available.
Start making those Christmas Lists early.