Southern Rules

I know you might have seen these somewhere else.

But these are for all my readers that aren’t indigenous to the South, and feel like they may want to come down for a visit.

This is very “Southern” and funny. If you are offended, it is not my responsibility. In the South, we make fun of ourselves.

In an effort to help outsiders understand the rural Southerner’s mind, the following list will be handed to each person as they enter a Southern State.

If you are going to live, or visit in the South, you need to know the rules:

That slope-shouldered farm boy did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.

It’s called a ‘gravel road.’ No matter how slow you drive, you’re going to get dust on your Navigator. Drive it or get it out of the way.

The red dirt – it’s called clay. Red clay. If you like the color, don’t wash your car for a couple weeks – it’ll be permanent.

We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.

Any references to ‘corn fed’ when talking about our women will get you whipped —

Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don’t cry to us if a flathead breaks it off at the handle.

We have a name for those little 13-inch trout you fish for back home. We call them “bait”.

Pull your pants up…..You look like an idiot.

Men, if you want to wear earrings, pierce your nose or whatever, go right ahead – but if we call you Ma’am, don’t be offended.

If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it.

That’s right, whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you paid in the airport for one drink.

No… there’s no “Vegetarian Special” on the menu.
Order steak… Order it rare.

Vegetarians can always order the Chef’s Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.

TEA! – yeah, we have tea. It comes in a glass over ice and is sweet. You want it hot – sit it in the sun.

You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.

So you have a sixty thousand dollar car. We’re real impressed. We have a $250,0000 combine that we only use two weeks a year.

Let’s get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it’s red. We may even stop when it’s yellow.

Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks – because they want to. So, you’re a feminist. Isn’t that cute.

We eat dinner together with our families, we pray before we eat — yeah, even breakfast.

We go to church on Wednesdays and Sundays, we go to high school football games on Friday nights

We still address our seniors with “Yes Sir” & “Yes Ma’am”; sometimes we take Sunday drives to see friends and neighbors.

Greens – yeah, we have greens, but you don’t putt on them. You boil them with either salty fatback or a ham hock.

Yeah, we eat catfish, bass, bream, and carp, too. You really want sushi and caviar? It’s available at the bait shop.

They’re called pigs. That’s what they smell like. Get over it. Don’t like it? Interstate 65 will take you north. Interstate 40 goes East and West.

Grits are corn. You eat them at breakfast. You put butter, salt, and maybe even some pepper on them.

If you want to put milk and sugar on grits, then you want cream of wheat – go to Kansas. That would be I-40 West.

The “Opener” refers to the first day of deer season or dove season. Both are holidays.

You can get pancakes, cane syrup, and sausage before daylight at the church on any “Opener”.

So every person in every pickup waves? Yeah, it’s called being friendly. Understand the concept?

Yeah, we have golf courses. Don’t hit in the water hazards. It spooks the fish and bothers the gators

If you hit a ball in the golf course rough, we have these things called “Diamondbacks” — they’re not baseball players.

That Highway Patrol Officer who just pulled you over for driving like an idiot — his name is “SIR”… no matter how young he is.

We have lots of pine trees with sap. It drips from them. You park your Navigator under them, and they’ll leave a logo on your hood.

You burn an American flag in our state, you get beat up. No questions.

The 4 liberals in our legislature enacted a measure to stop this. There’s a $10 fine for beating up a flag burner.

Now, enjoy your visit… I emphasize — “Visit !”

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About Dave Robison

Now Appearing in an Extended Engagement! Join Dave Robison as he takes you into his world and his daily life of reviving a stand-up comedy career. Prepare for side trips exploring Public Relations, marketing and business ethics. Enjoy some frequent detours describing his observations on life. Read the exploits of this self-proclaimed Renaissance-man and blooming blogger as you go On The Road With Dave. From Mobile, Alabama comes Dave Robison, a confessed Internet-aholic, middle-aged-married-man, who's generally a nice guy--he just has one or two issues. Stand-Up Comedy by Dave Robison is available for corporate events, college campuses, and nightclubs.
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3 Responses to Southern Rules

  1. me says:

    OH! The tea you were drinking was cold and sweet! I admit I DID have this vision of hot, teacup — you know, pinky extended — now it all makes sense! kathleen 😉

  2. Roger says:


    Please tell me the $10 fine is true!!!! That is so great, I would love to send that info to some politicals I know.


  3. Sorry Roger,

    I can not admit that the fine is true, but if it WERE to be written as a bill you can rest assure it would pass the legislature here in Alabama.

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