Twelve Days of Christmas / Part 2

And now the horror of those gifts are made known.
(Rated PG-13 for intense language)

December 20th

John:
What’s with you and those fucking birds???? Seven swans a-swimming. What kind of goddam joke is this?
There’s bird shit all over the house and they never stop the racket. I’m a nervous wreck and I can’t sleep all night.
IT’S NOT FUNNY…So stop with those fucking birds.
Sincerely, Agnes

December 21st

OK Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight maids a-milking? It’s not enough with all those birds and eight maids a-milking, but they had to bring their own goddam cows. There is shit all over the lawn and I can’t move in my house. Just lay off me. SMART ASS.
Ag

December 22nd

Hey Shithead:
What are you? Some kind of Sadist? Now there’s nine pipers playing. And Christ – do they play. They never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are upset and stepping all over those screeching birds. No wonder they screech. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You’ll get yours.
From Ag

December 23rd

You Rotten Prick:
Now there’s ten ladies dancing – I don’t know why I call those sluts ladies. They’ve been balling those nine pipers all night long. Now the cows can’t sleep and they’ve got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn’t be condemned. I’m sicking the police on you.
One who means it, Ag

December 24th

Listen Fuckhead:
What’s with the eleven lords a-leaping on those maids and aforementioned “ladies”? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All 234 birds are dead. They have been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you’re satisfied, you rotten swine.
Your sworn enemy, Miss Agnes McCallister

December 25th

(From the law offices of Tadker, Spreder, and Baegar)

Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McCallister. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McCallister at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

Please follow and like us:
20

About Dave Robison

Now Appearing in an Extended Engagement! Join Dave Robison as he takes you into his world and his daily life of reviving a stand-up comedy career. Prepare for side trips exploring Public Relations, marketing and business ethics. Enjoy some frequent detours describing his observations on life. Read the exploits of this self-proclaimed Renaissance-man and blooming blogger as you go On The Road With Dave. From Mobile, Alabama comes Dave Robison, a confessed Internet-aholic, middle-aged-married-man, who's generally a nice guy--he just has one or two issues. Stand-Up Comedy by Dave Robison is available for corporate events, college campuses, and nightclubs.
This entry was posted in Christmas. Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *